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Nation Shocked That Giuliani Has Associates

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After learning that two of Rudy Giuliani’s associates had been charged with federal campaign-finance crimes, millions of Americans expressed their stunned disbelief that Giuliani had associates.

“By ‘associates,’ do they mean people who actually associate with Giuliani?” Carol Foyler, who lives in St. Louis, said. “This whole story doesn’t add up.”

“I read that these quote-unquote associates of Giuliani’s were actually business associates,” Tracy Klugian, of Butte, Montana, said. “If that means he was paying them a lot of money to associate with him, that could explain everything.”

“It said on the news that these associates were foreign-born,” Kevin Lockdale, of Portland, Maine, said. “Maybe they don’t speak English too well and so they don’t realize that everything Giuliani says is batshit. I mean, I know I’m grasping at straws, but I’m trying to make sense of this whole associates thing.”

Harland Dorrinson, a clinical psychologist who has done a ten-year study on the social isolation of despised people, said that the existence of Giuliani’s two associates should give “hope to the detestable” everywhere. “Honestly, if Giuliani can have associates, anyone can,” he said.