It's friday.

[piece-itpete]

"Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?" —Jay Leno

"As you probably know, the volcano on the tiny island of Iceland has shut down air traffic. President Obama had to cancel his trip to Poland. President Obama said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon and the volcano said the same thing about him." —Jimmy Kimmel

"The German airline Lufthansa said it plans to resume some flights. Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now that the French government surrendered." —Jimmy Kimmel

"In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses — in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box." —Seth Meyers

"Here's something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you." —Jay Leno

"President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it." —Jay Leno

"The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it's making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house." —David Letterman

"Sarah Palin got an iPad and she was complaining that it's not really that absorbent." —Bill Maher

"You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch." —Jay Leno

"Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It's the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the '$100 bill Nano.'" —Craig Ferguson

"Today is April 20, which is like Christmas for pot-smokers. It all started in the 1700s when St. Patrick drove the stoners out of Ireland with a pack of Twinkies." —Jimmy Kimmel

"In celebration of 4/20, the volcano in Iceland is still smoking. And it just asked for Hot Pockets." —Jimmy Kimmel

Pete