[Chicks]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an emergency address from the Oval Office on Monday afternoon, Donald J. Trump commanded the American people not to check their 401k accounts.

“Anyone caught checking their 409s (sic) can and will be deported,” he warned.

Asserting that he was issuing this order “for your own good,” Trump added, "Elon says there's a virus in the stock market and if you check your stocks it will spread to your body."

Though he claimed that “nothing bad is happening on Wall Street,” he promised the American people that, in the event of a stock market crash, “I will fix it with my Sharpie.”