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Take her, it's about your family, forgiveness, and compassion.
As for your wife, I can't tell you what is appropriate but she may have to figure it out herself.

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OK, don't really know you or your family. But you're asking, so I'll just tell you what I see in your post.

You mention these concerns:

--exposing your daughter to 'that environment'
--daughter intimidated by guards and inmates
--it could feel like 'the whole family is in jail'
--your wife talking to anyone there

Basically, you sound fairly freaked-out by the idea of prison and your family being things that are associated. That is very understandable and natural. It really attacks your ability to feel you all are OK respectable middle-class people, doesn't it? Well, you all have 7 months to get through, anyway. You need to think of your ongoing life as a family, which will be decades, not months. Think of what will be best for your family relationships going forward.

I think it's likely that you have shame about the prison term, and this has more to do than anything else with your clear desire to keep your daughter away from the place. But I don't think she should go seven months without seeing her mother. Your wife is going to be your daughter's mother for the rest of her life. They should stay in touch during this episode, I'd say.

BTW, do you really think your wife should go seven months without 'talking' to anyone? That is hardly human. Seven months in solitary would be very traumatic. This again sounds like an attempt to keep your family separate from the 'shame and disgrace' of prison, but that's hardly possible, especially for your wife, who is going to be living there for seven months. You need to support her, unconditionally, not try to put more difficulties on her to ease your own feelings.

I'd take her as seven months at county isn't precisely prison, especially for a $$$ crime, depending upon facility.

Visitation will likely occur in an open area similar to a hospital waiting room and I wouldn't expect a vigorous (unlike prison, especially maximum custody) search upon entry.

It's like visiting Mom in any sterile area except she doesn't get to leave.

I am ambivalent about this.

While there might need for them to meet, seven months is not a long time.

Allowing your daughter to visit jail might reduce her fear of jail.
I want my kids to have a fear of jail.

Welcome to the AK's asylum for misfits and malcontents 1924.

Sorry to hear what your family is going through. :( Take her to see her mom when she's ready.

Bobabode just gave you good advice.

If you are going to stay with your wife, I would recommend that you go and visit your wife. If your daughter asks if she can go, I would allow her to go. Since your daughter is underage, she will no be able to go alone. She will have to be there with a parent or a legal guardian, mainly you. Being that your wife is in jail, she doesn't count in this sense.

I work in a state prison. I know what the visitation is like there. I can only report what it is like at the state I am in. It may be the same where you are and it may be different. In a lower custody setting, there is a large room/area for visitation. Typically the inmate and their visitors have their own table. The other inmates in that area are there to visit their visitors. They won't be coming over to visit your wife. They could actually get their visit cancelled if they disrupt another inmate's visit. As far as the guards, they are there just observing and checking in the visitors.
Upon entering the facility, you will be searched. You will have to clear a metal detector. I would recommend to have the least amount of metal on you. For your daughter, suggest she wear a bra without an underwire. Those underwires will set the detector off.
If you are still unsure, go by yourself the first time and observe what happens.
7 months may not seem like a long time, but for someone behind bars, it is a long time. They will make friends with the other inmates. Not everyone in prison is a bad person. People make mistakes. Some people get caught for their mistakes.

Man, what a helpful post!

Regards,

D-Ray

Yep, some great info here. Figuring out women can be tough for us guys but if she is typical I would say

I would take that as a big yes that she wants to see her daughter.


She is going to be a female on an island, in a "masculine environment", 24/7 for months, not good. She needs you to help to keep her in touch with her femininity. Visit her often, take her girly things that are allowed, romance her a little. Or a lot. It should help her a lot with keeping depression away, which is what I would be concerned with most.


Carl

Just becareful with this. Find out what the rules are. We allow holding hands and a quick kiss at the beginning and ending of the visit. Other than that, that is it. No sense in getting the visit cancelled, because you didn't know what was and was not allowed.

I just wonder if it will be an unpleasant experience. Since she will see her mom in a uniform and in custody and other inmates and the whole environment

She will see her Mother, the lady who gave her life. Certainly she may feel anger at the people who have imprisoned her and tried to humiliate her with prison garb. But if they are mother and daughter they will outlive this.

I know a lady whose mother beat her unmercifully as a child, yet she still prays that God will take her into Heaven.

excellent post

visit mom IMHO is the best course

excellent post :)

Take the daughter to see mom.

It's not like she doesn't already know that her mom is in jail.

And now, more than ever, it is important to strengthen the bond between them.

And, your daughter might learn valuable lessons....
Lessons about good and bad, right and wrong and lessons about how family members s there for each other even during the hardest of times.




Many good wishes being sent to you and your family.

Plus one 1924.

The way I'm approaching this is...what I would do as opposed to what you should do.

She's 15, not 5 or 6, so if it were me, I would be attempting to figure out what she really wants to do. If she wants to see her mother and you won't allow it, you may find down the road that you are dealing with a level of resentment from your daughter that you did not imagine was possible. That also goes for being forced to visit her mother if she doesn't want that.

If it were me, I would be doing my best to find out what she actually wants, and make sure it's not what she says she wants because she fears that the wrong choice will make you or her mother unhappy. She needs to know that whatever her choice is...both her parents will support that choice. She's 15, and IMO old enough to choose. And two or three months from now she might change her mind...and if she does, I would support that.

That's what I would do.

I would say one other thing. If mom is PO'd if she finds out her daughter isn't coming...that's too bad. Mom wasn't thinking a whole lot about the consequences for her 15 year old daughter when she was in her decision making process. It doesn't seem to me this should be a whole lot about mom or dad's feelings.

she says she would not mind going. My wife says bring her if she wants to come.

All right believe it or not I have not brought my daughter yet for the time her mom has been in jail. They have talked on the phone however


managed to talk to one of the main guards that works at that jail. She said that since my daughter is a teenagers it is perfectly fine to take her. She also said use it as a learning experience (what does that mean do you think), ask your wife to be honest about what happened, and to simply present it as a punishment for wrong doing. Is this a good idea?

I think it has been mentioned before but my feeling is that the decision should be your daughter's. If she wants to go, you should allow it and assist her in doing so with a good heart. If she doesn't want to go, you should probably try to find out why but you should respect her wishes and feelings. At 15, this should be her decision.

I think you put too much stock in what others think.
I'm not buying any of this as a learning experience until your wife is back home & comfortable again.

I visited a friend in jail, many years ago. The atmosphere was opressive. I assume that a 15 years old girl needs a company by someone she can lean on.