"President Obama is getting a new limousine that will have advanced night-vision capabilities. The technology even has a cool name – it's called headlights." –Jimmy Fallon
Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer announced he is running for New York City comptroller, and one of his opponents is the madam who supplied him with hookers. There's a tough choice for the voters. One is involved in the most degrading profession of all time, and the other ran a whore house." –Jay Leno
Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she's so old that she could be a Republican." –Conan O'Brien
"NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been offered asylum in Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia. Or as Snowden put it, 'Prison it is!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The Supreme Court has ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Here in West Hollywood, the gay community was out in the streets kissing each other, they went dancing, they closed up traffic. And then they heard about the ruling." –Bill Maher
President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he's sweating a lot more during his second term." –Jay Leno
Pete
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“How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.”
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