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"Speaking of Obama, yesterday Congressman Raul Labrador said that impeaching President Obama isn't a good idea, because, quote, 'no one wants President Joe Biden.' And that's when Biden realized why Obama picked him as a running mate." –Jimmy Fallon
"There's currently a petition to split California into several states. Among the new states would be Botoxia, Pornsylvania, and of course, the Commonwealth of Kardashiania." –Conan O'Brien
"This week Dick Cheney called President Obama 'the worst president of my lifetime.' Oh come on, Obama may not be perfect, but there's no way he's worse than John Quincy Adams." –Seth Meyers
"To avoid being spied on by the NSA, Germany is considering using typewriters now to communicate so we can't spy on them. Germany says they may even go further back and start using AOL accounts." –Conan O'Brien
"Congratulations to Germany! They have now won four World Cup soccer championships. But – they are still O for 2 in world wars." –David Letterman
"The World Cup is finally over. In other words, bars are about to start showing sports that make sense again." –Jimmy Fallon
While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro." –Jimmy Fallon
Pete
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“How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.”
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